Sixteen in Sixteen in Sixteen… This is the year it’s going to happen. This is the tournament in which we will all see what we never really thought we would see. Sure, we have all entertained the thought of it, of how it would come to be, and of how we would process it all afterwards, but we never really thought we would have to go through the actual process of processing it, not for real. Then the calendar turned 2016, and it all lined up perfectly.
The Eagles, Knights, Crusaders, Jaguars, Governors, or Pirates; one of these teams is going to win some games in the NCAA Tournament this week. One of the six number 16 seeds is going to the Sweet Sixteen in 2016! Mark it down, because one of these schools: Hampton, Austin Peay, Florida Gulf Coast, Fairleigh Dickenson, Holy Cross, or Southern, is going to do more than merely make some noise and throw a scare at a number 1. One of them is going to play all their hits in front of a wild, frenzied crowd, almost all of whom, besides the fans of the number 1 on the ropes, about to fall, will be making more noise than they ever have for a team they barely know. One of these Cinderellas is going to race right past midnight, and then they are going to do it all over again two days later, by beating down an unlucky and overconfident eight or nine seed which just happens to be in the way of this double miracle.
Tonight and tomorrow night will see these six teams whittled down to four, as two of the sixteen-seeds will be eliminated in the play-in games. There’s nothing like basketball on TruTV! That will leave us with four wondrous wanna-be-Davids to face off against four basketball Goliaths. Which giant will fall? Will it be the mighty Jayhawks, odds-on favorite to win it all, or will it be the Tar Heels who get stuck in the mud. Might it be the Caveliers who have their title-hopes pirated away, or could the Oregon Ducks get shot down earlier than any other number one ever? I’m feeling the Ducks’ doom decidedly on the doorstep. Hell, they should not even be a number one seed in most fans’ minds, anyway. Let them prove this assumption correct by going down in the first round, and let it be done in the most dramatic, traumatic way anyone could fathom.
Now, if this is going to happen, and we can all “safely” assume it will, then whose slingshot will rock this baby to sleep and put away once-and-for-all the notion that a sixteen seed will never beat a number one? Let’s take a look at the contenders.
-Hampton Pirates vs Virginia Cavaliers… In a battle between two synonyms, I’ll take the one with more syllables, and more ACC Players of the Year slash Defensive Players of the Year on their squad.
-Austin Peay Governors vs Kansas Jayhawks… Chalk is in the middle of Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk, so I don’t see an upset in this race for an office seat in the second round, especially with elections not being held until November.
-Florida Gulf Coast Eagles or Fairleigh Dickenson Knights vs North Carolina Tar Heels… I’ll take the Eagles in the play-in game, for America(U!S!A!), over the Knights, even though their benefactor and namesake Colonel Fairleigh S. Dickenson was born in North Carolina, and I’m sure his ghost would love to see his beloved Knights with a chance to topple the Tar-Heeled titans. However, once the first round gets underway, UNC will dominate every step of the way.
Which brings us to…
-Holy Cross Crusaders or Southern Jaguars vs Oregon Ducks… Holy Cross, all the way in the play-in game. The Crusaders are already on a miracle streak, so let’s keep the streak alive. Holy Cross is by far the worst team in the field, but somehow, with a little help from lady luck, and a lot of 1-3-1 zone, they were able to win their conference tournament and crash the field of 68 with a 14-19 record. After their win in the play-in game, the only sixteen seed in the field with a past national championship to their credit (remember 1947?) will take aim and take down the Oregon Ducks, winners of the first ever NCAA National Championship Tournament in 1939. Back then, Oregon’s teams went by the nickname of the ‘Footwebs’. Whatever name they go by, whichever mode of travel they choose, be it by air, water, or land, these Ducks are not going to be able to fly, swim, or waddle away fast enough to escape history being made.
A number one seed is going down in the first round of the tournament this year. Then, just for good measure, that “nobody-expected-us” number sixteen seed is going to turn around and do it all over again in its weekend matchup. So, watch out all you Hawks fans, Bearcat alums, and degenerate gamblers with money riding on St. Joes or Cincinnati, because the Holy Cross Crusaders are coming for one of you, too.